Borderline alco turns fierce atheist after forgetting to stock up on booze yesterday

The Christian religion has lost one of their own today after a Sydney man turned up at his local BWS for a slab only to find it closed.

Unemployed and living a reclusive life meant Brett Simons (34) completely forgot today was the holiest day of the year and had to celebrated with the closure of every bottle shop in town.

It was a mistake that cost the Catholic community one of their least valued members.




“I’m done with the whole f#cking lot of them”

“I thought this was Australia, land of the free. Not some religious dictatorship with leaders who believe in some god damn hippie who pranced across ponds doing magic tricks”

Although unhappy with the laws forced on him by his religious rulers, Brett said he still knew a few ways of writing himself off in honour of the man who died for his sins.

Not that it made the situation any easier to swallow.




“Do you realise I’m in my bathroom drinking mouthwash because people actually believe some dude died and then sprung back to life in the deserts of the middle east?”

“That’s the reason why i’m desperately trying to ferment potatoes in my bathtub right now”

For the sake of fairness The Times also reached out to Jesus for a comment but are yet to receive a reply.